Wednesday, March 16, 2005
... good news from UCDavis, California (outside Sacramento)...
Hi! We are writing to let you know that your release, P. Miles Bryson "MEGALOMANIC DECORATOR'S QUARTERLY" was #1 at KDVS this week (3/15/05).
P. Miles Bryson 7:05 AM
Thursday, March 10, 2005
... university of Boulder, CO. radio wants to interview me on Monday night... more on this later... if it's not too boring...
...
it is cool that MDQ is getting lots of airplay... thanks philo for sending out all the promos... :)
P. Miles Bryson 12:25 AM
Sunday, March 06, 2005
from philo's BLOG:
P. Miles is beginning to chart on some stations. CHUO #26, CFUV #26, CITR #30, WVUM medium #23 (note on site "This cd is so WVUM, enjoy!!!"). i guess the Canadians really like this stuff.
...
ironic... I'm becoming someone even as I'm forgetting myself... Existence sure is a paradoxical thingie...
P. Miles is beginning to chart on some stations. CHUO #26, CFUV #26, CITR #30, WVUM medium #23 (note on site "This cd is so WVUM, enjoy!!!"). i guess the Canadians really like this stuff.
...
ironic... I'm becoming someone even as I'm forgetting myself... Existence sure is a paradoxical thingie...
P. Miles Bryson 3:25 AM
I could feel the memories and the moments melting away from me like morning dew
...where do I begin? I could feel the memories and the moments melting away from me like morning dew... this was to be a sort of silent morning, perhaps... ending with nothing to be thankful or afraid about because, if it continued, I'd remember almost nothing... except I did retain some of the emotive elements that continued to plague me and lead me to believe that there was something more in my life... i just couldn't remember what... the most frightening thing is that it was happening to me as I was aware it was happening... I was aware I was losing everything... alzheimers? ...low blood sugar? ... what WAS it exactly? ...was I being cursed? BLESSED? it didn't feel like a blessing at first... then, with a little skewed thinking and pondering, it BECAME a blessing... I prayed for the ability to not completely forget everything... to still be able to retain enough to function in the moment as well as realize that there were things I still needed to accomplish... I was at work and I needed to still get monthend processing done... WHY? ... I only knew that it was MY JOB... it was expected of me so I had to do it...
...
ultimately I didn't know why it happened... It seems my prayer was answered and there was just enough memory in the moment to carry me forward to the next... if I exercised faith, continued to work in that moment, stay active... I'd continue movement and the bubble of light I seemed to be walking in would also continue to move... and as I continued in that light of momentary knowledge, it would seemingly, of it's own accord link to the next vital bits of knowledge that I needed to continue working... from this point I was receving EVERYTHING on a need to know basis ... there were a few elements of ME left to me... I still knew my name... still knew of my family, although the phone number home eluded me in some moments...
...
at first I was tempted to call home in the moments that I could still actively feel things slipping away from me... I didn't however, in case I was just imagining it all... maybe I WAS... maybe my whole life was just an illusion... something I'd conjured up in that moment to tell me that there was purpose in continuing... a reason to go on... plus, i feared that the ACT of calling home would somehow ultimately betray me by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy... Ultimately, after I'd almost finished all my work, I did call home... and, sure enough, once I started voicing all my fears to Michelle, my wife, things began to seem even more real, (or perhaps LESS real...) and simultaneously, as if they had finally left me for good... at least in my specific memories... I did still retain the flavor of something important in my life... some reason for continued existence... but new fears welled up.. I could recall that I knew of others who'd lead "normal" existences until one day waking up and not remembering... such people were generally much older than myself and the particular ones I was thinking of now had both died of "old age" or some complications due to "old age" ... like MEMORY LOSS... maybe there was no more reason for them to hang on... maybe that's why they ultimately left for greener pastures... or whiter ones, GOLDER ones, if the scriptures are true...
..
so what about now? well, it seems Miles is still here... I awoke this Sunday morning and felt a little bit clearer... a little bit more centered in the NOW without being completely obilterated in the now ... I guess if I'm completely honest, I didn't completely lose things... I always retained a sense of there being something worth remembering and that I couldn't remember what it was at present... I guess the fear was that I ultimately wouldn't remember even that there was something worth remembering and that I'd be a complete zombie in the moment, not knowing or caring that I might or might not be around in the next moment... and perhaps for people who do not believe in an afterlife, LIFE is like that... or for people who do not retain an active memory of their PREVIOUS life or lives, life becomes as a dream... you awaken to a new dream and the old one disappears... perhaps someone or something helps you to remember your old life... lives... but without that prompting, you have no reason to believe that it might prompt you of it's own accord... so you take control like Kurt Cobain or Hunter S. Thompson and blast your noggin across the parking lot... that final desperate act of control... something YOU could decide to do... the FINAL decision YOU made... YOU decided... nobody else... or was that an illusion too? Had somebody, in point of fact, WHISPERED to you to do it? Was there someone WHISPERING to you even now? without your consent in this moment? perhaps without your EVER having completely consented to it? ... or was that the FINAL lie... Perhaps you DID decide originally to do this... to have the possibility that THIS might happen... FAITH... FAITH in one greater than yourself... ONE WHO COULD SEE... ONE WHO COULD SEE... one who could SEE where you could not... could not YET... THAT was my final conclusion... THAT was why it might have been a blessing...
Someone else was doing the seeing for me... I only felt it more keenly in those moments when I didn't think I could completely see MYSELF... I had relinquished some part of myself... sacrificed it upon some alter in order to allow someone to GUIDE me... I hoped that that someone was more benevolent than my fears and uncertainties... I feared that Michelle would arrive at work with some kind of meds and a straight jacket... ferry me off to the Looney bin... admit one to psycho ward... no foreseeable return... that's it.. you're gone... nurse Wratchet... nurse RatSHIT? here I come...
...
ultimately I didn't know why it happened... It seems my prayer was answered and there was just enough memory in the moment to carry me forward to the next... if I exercised faith, continued to work in that moment, stay active... I'd continue movement and the bubble of light I seemed to be walking in would also continue to move... and as I continued in that light of momentary knowledge, it would seemingly, of it's own accord link to the next vital bits of knowledge that I needed to continue working... from this point I was receving EVERYTHING on a need to know basis ... there were a few elements of ME left to me... I still knew my name... still knew of my family, although the phone number home eluded me in some moments...
...
at first I was tempted to call home in the moments that I could still actively feel things slipping away from me... I didn't however, in case I was just imagining it all... maybe I WAS... maybe my whole life was just an illusion... something I'd conjured up in that moment to tell me that there was purpose in continuing... a reason to go on... plus, i feared that the ACT of calling home would somehow ultimately betray me by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy... Ultimately, after I'd almost finished all my work, I did call home... and, sure enough, once I started voicing all my fears to Michelle, my wife, things began to seem even more real, (or perhaps LESS real...) and simultaneously, as if they had finally left me for good... at least in my specific memories... I did still retain the flavor of something important in my life... some reason for continued existence... but new fears welled up.. I could recall that I knew of others who'd lead "normal" existences until one day waking up and not remembering... such people were generally much older than myself and the particular ones I was thinking of now had both died of "old age" or some complications due to "old age" ... like MEMORY LOSS... maybe there was no more reason for them to hang on... maybe that's why they ultimately left for greener pastures... or whiter ones, GOLDER ones, if the scriptures are true...
..
so what about now? well, it seems Miles is still here... I awoke this Sunday morning and felt a little bit clearer... a little bit more centered in the NOW without being completely obilterated in the now ... I guess if I'm completely honest, I didn't completely lose things... I always retained a sense of there being something worth remembering and that I couldn't remember what it was at present... I guess the fear was that I ultimately wouldn't remember even that there was something worth remembering and that I'd be a complete zombie in the moment, not knowing or caring that I might or might not be around in the next moment... and perhaps for people who do not believe in an afterlife, LIFE is like that... or for people who do not retain an active memory of their PREVIOUS life or lives, life becomes as a dream... you awaken to a new dream and the old one disappears... perhaps someone or something helps you to remember your old life... lives... but without that prompting, you have no reason to believe that it might prompt you of it's own accord... so you take control like Kurt Cobain or Hunter S. Thompson and blast your noggin across the parking lot... that final desperate act of control... something YOU could decide to do... the FINAL decision YOU made... YOU decided... nobody else... or was that an illusion too? Had somebody, in point of fact, WHISPERED to you to do it? Was there someone WHISPERING to you even now? without your consent in this moment? perhaps without your EVER having completely consented to it? ... or was that the FINAL lie... Perhaps you DID decide originally to do this... to have the possibility that THIS might happen... FAITH... FAITH in one greater than yourself... ONE WHO COULD SEE... ONE WHO COULD SEE... one who could SEE where you could not... could not YET... THAT was my final conclusion... THAT was why it might have been a blessing...
Someone else was doing the seeing for me... I only felt it more keenly in those moments when I didn't think I could completely see MYSELF... I had relinquished some part of myself... sacrificed it upon some alter in order to allow someone to GUIDE me... I hoped that that someone was more benevolent than my fears and uncertainties... I feared that Michelle would arrive at work with some kind of meds and a straight jacket... ferry me off to the Looney bin... admit one to psycho ward... no foreseeable return... that's it.. you're gone... nurse Wratchet... nurse RatSHIT? here I come...
P. Miles Bryson 2:31 AM
Friday, February 04, 2005
.. today i read these words "Verily, verily, I say unto you, wo be unto him that lieth to deceive because he supposeth that another lieth to deceive, for such are not exempt from the justice of God. " ..and i had to recall my words from yesterday "and perhaps we're all likeable and reprehensible.." .. perhaps that's an indictment on what kind of character I am.. or am becoming.. I'm sure I'm more reprehensible than some.. maybe many.. am I likeable? .. ok, what about when you start to get to really know me..(.. if anyone really does..) am I likeable then? .. but just because I'm that way doesn't mean that everybody is that way.. does it? ..
P. Miles Bryson 4:28 AM
..just saw Jim Jarmusch's "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai".. all I can say is that the man sure does know how to tell a great story.. aren't really great stories supposed to transcend all things like race, religion, culture/sub-culture, and speak in some universal language that all can understand..? i think this one really did.. perhaps it spoke to me in the smaller details as well.. i read "Hagakure" when I was a teenager and into martial arts.. and something about all the big mafia cheeses watching only cartoons also said something to me.. "I can turn diamonds into jelly beans, but do you think I'm happy? Do you think I'm satisfied..?" classic.. really great stuff.. and the little people, the seemingly insignificant and ordinary people were, of course, the extraordinary people.. the ice cream vendor who's supposedly Ghost Dog's best friend.. but he speaks no english, only french, and Ghost Dog speaks no french.. but they have these conversations.. understand each other by some kind of osmosis between the words.. and the man building the boat on the roof.. and Ghost Dog himself, of course, the walking paradox, invisible yet somehow known by everybody.. the samurai ready to die for a cartoonish master who he serves, loyal to the death.. and yet it's not about the master himself but about the way.. the service itself.. the journey which transcends all.. Felix the cat with the amazing briefcase that turns into a canoe or anything else he likes.. the little guy.. amazing.. and the little black girl who reads all the books.. fantastic..
.. and I've always liked Forest Whitaker.. always thought there's just something about him.. i'm not sure what.. .. as a director.. ehhh... so so.. ho-hum... but as an actor, really something..
P. Miles Bryson 2:53 AM
Thursday, February 03, 2005
..watching loads and loads of movies these days.. nights.. ..Takashi Miike's "Ichi the Killer" beautifully sensational but perhaps a little overly-contrived over-the-top gore and depravity .. as seems to be his style.. vis-a-vis "Fudô" also over-the-top depravity.. elementary school kids and dewey-doe-eyed girls with automatic weapons.. ok.. maybe.. but I mean, come-on! -- a hermaphrodite shooting killer darts from her female genitalia?!!.. though Jodorowsky admitted in an interview that he was impressed by it.. but we know how much he loves freak shows.. ;) "Alien vs. Predator".. (entertaining but extremely predictable.. no surprise there..) Jodorowsky's "Fando and Lis" .. Takeshi Kitano's "Hana Bi" (Fireworks) .. (surprisingly wonderful..) and others.. movies movies.. more movies.. ......"The Cube".. "Vera Drake" "Volcano High".. (silly, probably intentionally.. if not then trying way to hard to be some kind of hip..?) .. movies movies movies.. many more less memorable.. ..... also going through booktapes, as usual..
..stories.. stories, stories and more stories.. keep the story going.. time fillers.. is that what I'm doing..? marking time..? grist for the mill.. fodder for the cannon.. whatever..
..
..the most recent "Sideways" with Paul Giamatti as Miles.. also a novel, "A Bend in the Road" by Nicholas Sparks.. a Miles character in that one too.. Giamatti's Miles: a simultaneously likeable and reprehensible character.. and perhaps we're all likeable and reprehensible.. and I am, more than some, perhaps not quite as much as the Miles in the movie.. or at least not as much as his friend.. i hope..
P. Miles Bryson 2:08 AM
Friday, January 28, 2005
..this time .. one time for time the time being that said that registered markedly ongoing in-and-outflux my reason for writing, for communicating would be... ... ... what?.. my reason for living and breathing art and non-art would be... ... ... what? ..
..
..
twitching awake to synthesizer bees..
..
the thumping of change in air pressure.. like someone approaching down the hall.. a reminder that someone could always appear where there was no one..
..
they liked to hit things.. with their car..
.. they were swerverts.. not perverts..
..
..
..
..
..
twitching awake to synthesizer bees..
..
the thumping of change in air pressure.. like someone approaching down the hall.. a reminder that someone could always appear where there was no one..
..
they liked to hit things.. with their car..
.. they were swerverts.. not perverts..
..
..
..
P. Miles Bryson 3:22 AM
Saturday, January 15, 2005
..obsessions with the weather.. phases of the moon.. 10-day weather forecasts.. or maybe just the various freeware programs that put this type of information on the desktop..
..
.. then again maybe it's just the most recent version of my one major obsession .. just variations on a theme: collect collect collect!
...always something to collect...
..
.. then again maybe it's just the most recent version of my one major obsession .. just variations on a theme: collect collect collect!
...always something to collect...
P. Miles Bryson 6:07 AM
Friday, January 14, 2005
..and my newspaper finds me with blackened hands.. and time tickles onward without regret..
P. Miles Bryson 2:48 AM
..the disembodied head of Richard Nixon which floats through the mall.. "I am not a crook... I am not a crook.." ..
..
....I mean, where is the love? where..?
P. Miles Bryson 2:38 AM
..in the cold it might be my otherness which lays claim to my presence.. the footsteps that brought me toward.. or seemed to.. the restlessness.. the scattered paradoxes that gather to all commingle inside this dancing exoskeleton.. i might be waiting for some lightning bolt of truth to blast me into oblivion..
P. Miles Bryson 2:20 AM
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
..unless, of course, i can't sleep.. anymore..
.."life" is just the thing you supposedly do when the insomnia just won't let up..
..
..no one can be as dull as me..
..
..insufferably wordy dullness..
..or not..
P. Miles Bryson 3:09 PM
spending the early morning hours in the emergency room as my father in-law woke up unable to take a deep enough breath.. the miracle of modern medecine was only able to conclude, "we're not really sure why.. looks a little like asthma, buUUtt..."
..
these sedentary holidayze.. watch cable TV, light the fire, eat, sleep, watch cable TV, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, watch cable TV.. sleep, light the fire..
..
these sedentary holidayze.. watch cable TV, light the fire, eat, sleep, watch cable TV, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, watch cable TV.. sleep, light the fire..
P. Miles Bryson 6:54 AM
Monday, December 27, 2004
inside my subconscious there lurks a mean inner child.. or so my lucid dreams would seem to indicate.. they keep forcing me to go back to highschool.. supposedly to complete classes i never completed.. computer errors.. i actually graduated in 3 years.. but you know how the computer never lies, so i go back to C.D.O. (my old highschool).. but the details of these ever-recurring dreams never seem to be about classes or which classes.. they're always about bullies, mean kids who might have teased me, and my revenge..
...
..did you know i'm the one who killed Toejoe Rodriguez? (there was actually nobody by that name at my highschool.. these people are always imaginary.. and only one guy ever briefly teased me as a freshman.. and his name wasn't Toejoe..) anyhow, I'll confess now that when they found mean ole knife-wielding, gang-banging Toejoe, bashed and bloodied, head submerged in a backed-up toilet, shortly after second period, nobody suspected me because I'd gone home and called in sick.. my alibi..
..
..i returned to highschool .. as i'm always doing.. remiss in some class or classes.. but i'm a 40 year old, mean old man, but of course i look so very young (ha ha..).. but they just won't leave me alone.. so i have to develop this reputation that i won't take crap from anyone.. i'm the insane-in-the-membrane guy.. if you mess with me your troubles will never never end.. you may be a jock, tougher than me, much more popular than me, beloved by all even.. doesn't matter.. i can stuff your head in a locker when you least suspect it.. crack a metal chair over your head and put you in the hospital.. and so, one or two of these incidents and voila! no more teasers.. except Toejoe, who was himself always itching for a fight and a challenge.. and so he won't be scared off because he's just as crazy as i'm pretending to be.. but his problem is he's as stupid as a post as well as crazy.. approaches me and says it's just a matter of time before he beats the crap outta me.. just for the fun of it.. maybe he'll even poke me a couple times with his switchblade.. the idiot drops this challenge on my doorstep and leaves it at that.. the man actually has some kind of warped sense of fairness and honor and won't attack me from behind or anything like that.. walks around, over-confident and sure in his "badness".. plans on just walking up to me in the lunchroom someday or in the hall in front of everyone and beating me senseless.. too bad for Toejoe I don't play fair.. and so he never sees me coming as I ambush him, back turned, in the bathroom.. just me and him.. first period bell has just rung and there's nobody about but us.. he might have stood a slightly better chance had I not been armed with a filed-down baseball bat hidden in my jacket.. but, hitting him fast from behind, smashing him into the mirror, and then tenderizing him with the bat until his head is flopping and more like a beanbag chair than a head.. the dunking in the toilet was really just cosmetic more than anything else.. more than likely he was already dead or in a coma after the beating..
...
...
P. Miles Bryson 8:03 AM
Saturday, December 25, 2004
one more El Paso ixmas daze.. merry squixmas tu vu and meEms.. the stranger and stranger the dreams become as the dosidoses of benadryl are upped and downed.. floating in a coughing and hacking daydreamers haze most daze and knights and off to gnappyland where I dreamMt myself to new silly places.. strange occurences and close encounters with aliens who leave their mark upon the deserts of the southwest U.S. in the form of vast new civilizations, grandiose edifaces in the form of huge Tolkien-like dark towers, vast Grand Canyon chasms traversed by spindley and swaying bridges, hive-like pods filled with bagillions of insect visitors with greater intelligence and compassion than our own human versions, somehow ominous in their silent pacifism, unseen but ever felt nearby.. strange whirling paloverde trees with nets and baskets to catch who-knows-what.. whistling and whirring in the windless air, self-powered, self-propelled in their spiraling alien geometries..
...
..it's probably a good thing that i've never sampled peyote or LSD, crystal, crack, H, alcohol, etc... my own brain chemistry seems to be way beyond more than enough..
P. Miles Bryson 10:59 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Listening to Miles Davis' "Complete Bitches Brew Sessions" .. really amazing and spooky stuff.. of course I was half asleep while listening and maybe that had something to do with how I perceived the floating, meandering quality of the music.. still.. the man was truly a genius..
P. Miles Bryson 10:49 PM